But the real answer came to me in a game called Evony. With the game you can build and attack cities. What has been driving me nuts since I started playing it is that can't do anything to defend myself when you're not online. Any other game I've played doesn't require you to be online 24/7 to have a chance to defend yourself. If you're offline everything is offline. It makes me feel helpless.
I could spend real world money to get virtual goods. I could do that except I don't have any really world money to spend. In that moment my feeling about the game became a metaphor of my life: I could do so much if I just had a little more, but no matter how hard I work I can never get that little more.
I have worked for 3 companies in career that when I reached the pinnacle of my profession there have gone belly up. It seems that no matter how hard I work as I am I can't change anything. This led me to consider the constants during these failures. I've always been trying to get an education but demands of my position have required me to stop my education. Also I've always felt that I've been looked down because of my weight and baldness.
Well my corporate education is at a stand still. I'm not spending another dime on my education until I'm out of debt. Why should I sink further into debt for a 4 year degree when I turn 40 or later? I'm only seen as a washed up code jockey whose just a nice guy. I like being the nice guy but will a degree really help me now? God I want to be more then just a code monkey and feeling helpless.
I've always been overweight. That just always been the way of my life. The hair thing, well that started falling out at 13. Not much I can do about except get a rug, do a com over or keep it short. At least by dieting I can around one thing that, at least my eyes, has been holding me back.
I'm dieting to prove that at this stupid mid life crisis that I can change something for the positive in my life. That eventually I can offer my wife a comfortable retirement and a chance to have children. Everything I have done in my life has failed. I've tried to start up a couple of businesses and a church and they all fell flat. I'm tired of my life and I just want something better for my wife.
My goal when I took my current job was to become the employee. I wanted to prove I could do something right for once. It felt so good to get that piece of paper and feel that I could do something right. But it meant some much more to bring it home to her and see her expression and know I did something right for her. I want do the same for her by showing her I can do more for her with this stupid diet.
I guess this stupid diet is just my hope that this step may someday let me leave a real mark in this world. That I can leave a legacy that my wife can fall back on in her old age. Be it a decent savings or a thriving restaurant that could support her in her old age. I want to live a few more years for her.
Addendum:
I was crying like almost the whole time I was typing this post out. I really wasn't trying to bring anyone down. I'm think I really am going through a mid life crisis and needed an outlet and a bit of personal honesty.
If anyone reading this post will get one thing from this is just keeping working hard. I'm at least succeeding in this diet and in many ways at my current job. This is coming from a guys whose a total mess. For people out there who have an education you can be so much more. If you don't, get one. Even if its not something that you have a certificate you can use that knowledge. Don't pass up the opportunities you have in your daily life. Otherwise you'll be doing long, boring, blog posts at one in the morning.
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